This week on The Bachelor, Satan opened the doors to literal hell and everything bad escaped. Seriously what the fuck. I can’t even write this recap normally. I can’t make cute quips about alpacas and race cars and Lauren responding to a proposal with “Definitely!” I’d like to take a quick sec and apologize to my small but vocal legion of Mormon readers of this blog - there’s going to be a lot of swearing coming up. I just can’t fucking pretend anymore because holy shit, you guys. I knew what was coming and I still felt like I was watching Elan Gale's colonoscopy.

Let’s just get fucking started with this fucking clusterfuck. I don’t even know what to say.

5. Fucking Arie (Last Week: 3)

I’ll admit it: I’ve been an apologist all along. In my life, I’ve been a consistent apologist for exactly three problematic people on this planet - Nick Viall, Taylor Swift, and, until this week, Arie Luyendyk Jr. I thought he would be a welcome return to the Bachelor days of yore, a reformed playboy who was finally ready to settle down with a mediocre woman and give us some decent Instagram content. I was always hesitant to bash him (even though it’s EASY) because I thought maybe he would somehow pull an amazing season out of his pancake ass. I was hopeful and I was holding out for a miracle. That all ends today. I don’t know how to say this politely, but I’ll try. Arie, you goddamn grey-haired skinny-ass chicken nugget looking motherfucker. What is wrong with you?! Seriously! Seriously. I’d had some concerns about Arie being able to commit to only one woman but damn. I know he’s from the Netherlands but this guy takes “going Dutch” to a whole other level. Where to even begin. Okay. Arie proposes to Becca because he says she’s the “safe choice,” which is about thirty-six flavors of insulting. Lauren is the safe choice. Look at her. Listen to her speak. Oh, what’s that? She’s not saying anything? Exactly. Becca isn’t the safe choice at all, mostly because she seems like the kind of person who might actually give Arie a slight amount of pushback, which is obviously not what he wants. He wants a wife who is a glorified Christmas ornament and, surprise, that’s Lauren. Arie clearly thinks Lauren is the hottest, which is usually enough to get someone into the winner’s circle on this show. She seems like a lock. However, Arie’s not an idiot - like, he is, but he’s not - and he knows that everyone else in the world will want him to choose Becca, because duh. So he allows Becca to roll up in an inappropriately formal gown and stand there and say “The day I met you was the eight-year anniversary of my dad’s passing, so it all just feels so meant to be” while he just kind of smiles at her as though she’s talking about getting her hair layered. Everything else aside, this proposal was nuts for this moment alone. If someone I had been dating for MANY YEARS told me that they met me on the day of their father’s passing and they believed I had been sent to them by the angel ghost of their deceased parent, I would have been like “cool, it dude. We don’t know each other that well.” Jesus. Okay. Arie tells Becca that he will choose her every day, which is a baldfaced lie. They get engaged and jump around amongst the alpacas. CUT TO: Spooky Chris Harrison saying “Wasn’t that nice? Well, guess what? Everything ends and all loves die.” We’re then rushed through a whiplash-inducing montage of the downfall of the Becca and Arie Empire: Arie and Becca snuggling in a hammock, Arie and Becca making pizza, Arie saying he’s made a huge mistake and he wants Lauren back. Wait, what? Before we can even digest this, Arie is at Becca’s door. I don’t even want to describe what happens next because it’s so awful. Arie plops Becca, who thinks they are filming a “happy couple” update, down on a sectional couch and tells her that he’s dumping her for Lauren without blinking. Becca literally goes “Are you fucking kidding me?” and all Arie can do is sit there like a lifeless action figure saying things like “I feel like I’m half-in with you and half-in with her” and referring to their engagement as “all those times we hung out.” He doesn’t even try. I’ll admit that I’m someone who throws around the term “sociopath” pretty loosely but holy moly. Arie is unflinching and unemotional the whole time. Becca is remarkably composed and repeatedly asks him to leave, which he doesn’t. He follows her around like an evil puppy until she finally cracks and starts crying. I think it’s pretty obvious that he was pushed to get her to break by producers (you can see the “unedited” split screen go black a few times) but hey, Arie? You can say no. You can say “Hey guys, enough. I won’t do it.” But he doesn’t do that, because he’s a sociopathic flounder of a man. Fast forward through the tears and surprise! Arie shows up at Lauren’s doorstep and literally greets her with “Wazzzzupp!” Like. GUYS. She takes him back and now they are engaged. I can’t spend any more time thinking about this sad excuse for a man. I’m out. I’m done. That was glitter.

4. Lauren (Last Week: 2)

There’s not much to be said about Lauren that hasn’t been said already, honestly. On the ATFR, Chris Harrison told Lauren “I can’t even imagine what’s going through your head right now” and she literally responded “Me neither!” I don’t think any of this mess is her fault, per se, and I don’t think she should be getting nearly as much heat as she has been. That said - girl. Honey. Sweet child. What are you doing? Lauren is 25 years old, rich, Aryan, beautiful, and gainfully employed. She has the world in her pocket. She could be with anyone and yet here she is with Arie Lyin’dick Jr. I know she’s in love and all but I really question her judgment. In case anyone has forgotten, Arie, her fiancé: 1. Dumped her on national television for somebody else 2. Cheated on his fiancée 3. Humiliated his fiancée by breaking up with her on national television for attention and then 4. Came back to Lauren with little apology or remorse. Way to pick ‘em! Yes, I said it and I’ll stand by it - Arie cheated on Becca. Reaching out to an ex while you’re still engaged and securing a backup relationship is cheating. It’s shady at best and emotional infidelity at worst. No way would Arie have ever gone back to Lauren without being absolutely sure she’d be waiting for him. I’ve always been someone who qualifies cheating as anything you wouldn’t want your significant other to see you doing, and I’m sure Becca would have been pretty upset had she known the extent of Arie’s contact with Lauren (which, we can deduce, was at least enough to assure him that he wouldn’t be turned away). That’s not Lauren’s fault, of course, but it is her fault for getting engaged to someone who was engaged to someone else not even a month ago. She is either extremely confident in her relationship with Arie or extremely stupid. Maybe both. I genuinely hope that their relationship works out, just for her sake - nobody deserves a broken heart and maybe they are soulmates. But I’m not optimistic. A man who “has no idea what to do” hours before proposing is not a man who is ready to get married. A man who breaks two hearts with one Neil Lane stone when he doesn’t have to is not a man who is ready to get married. A man who’s willing to cheat on his fiancée and can flip between two women more easily than I can flip through channels is not a man who is ready to get married. How you get him is how you’ll lose him.

3. Arie's Mom (Last Week: Not Ranked)

So, I still don’t like Arie, but I understand him a hell of a lot better now that I’ve seen him interact with his family. They’re all so… odd? I don’t really know how else to describe them. I mean, I’ll say it: Arie and his brother could like, not marry women who look exactly like their mother. Do they know this? Arie’s parents are both like “Both girls are great! We don’t really care!” and Arie is like “Same!” Maybe it’s a Dutch thing. I really don’t know.

2. The Women of The Bachelor (Last Week: Not Ranked)

Guys. AWWWWW. My favorite thing about this show has always been the female friendships that form and this season dealt out sisterhood in spades. I know I’ve had my issues with Tia and Bekah and even Seinne but seeing all of them piled on that tiny couch in their formalwear like girls at a very elegant slumber party touched me deeply. They all seem to love Becca and love one another, even Tia, who I’ll go ahead and commend for her valiant attempts to seem like she wasn’t disappointed to not get the ‘ette slot. Arie really got a great group of women, which is unfortunate since he’s such a fuck. No matter, they found each other. I’m even gonna go ahead and give Bekah a pass for her somewhat annoying thespianesque behavior all season because she produced some of the best Twitter content I saw in response to the finale. Watching Becca sitting on Caroline’s lap, smiling at her friends and saying “I really did find love on The Bachelor” was enough to thaw my heart, clear my skin and cure my seasonal depression. This is what this show is all about. I really love reality TV but I love female friendship even more. Have you read The Second Summer of the Sisterhood? You’ll see what I mean.

1. Becca (Last Week and Forever: 1)

Rebecca Jill Kufrin is the queen of the universe and there’s no other way to put it. I will never in my life have the amount of grace she exhibited this week and my name is literally Grace. The way she handled being unceremoniously dumped by Arie (OF ALL PEOPLE) was honestly inspirational. She didn’t crack, she didn’t cry, just told him off and sent him on his way. A bunch of people sent her wine money on Venmo and she donated it to charity! She hasn’t said a bad word about Lauren and has only made a few very tasteful cracks at Arie. If someone had done to me what he did to her I would have lost my damn mind and done some extremely immature social media hacking/sabotage at the very least. Even throughout this week’s five hours (!) of messy Bachelor content, I was not at all worried about Becca, which says a lot. I was never worried that she wouldn’t bounce back. I was worried about the fact that she’d have to return her gorgeous engagement ring but guess what? Doesn’t matter, because she’ll be getting a (presumably bigger and better) one in about two months. That’s right! Becca will be our next Bachelorette and I simply couldn’t be happier. Becca is funny and composed and graceful and - I know we love to talk about how Lauren is “the hot one” but have you seen this girl’s legs? Becca is hot as hell and doesn’t have a bad angle. I am so excited. I obviously hope she finds lasting love but I don’t even really care if she finds it on the show - she deserves to travel the world, make a bunch of money, and have a zillion guys tell her how much they like her. She can take the money and run, for all I care. I also LOVED how quickly the focus of the finale shifted to Becca from Arie and Lauren. They don’t need or deserve any more attention. Becca deserves all of the attention in the world and then some. I can’t wait to watch her jump in a getaway car and race away from Arie’s second-place ass. Vroom vroom.

See you on May 28th!