What is there to even SAY? The world is in the throes of a global pandemic, lives have been upturned, football games have been cancelled, your dad bought a ring light. Nothing is normal and nothing is good. Still, though, some things are too powerful to be stopped, and one of those things is Clare Crawley’s season of The Bachelorette.

In case you missed it: Clare’s season was supposed to start filming in March which, and I don’t know if you remember this, was when COVID-19 really hit the fan and we all “locked down” for ten minutes before getting bored of pretending that we cared about other people. Filming of The Bachelorette was cancelled, Clare was locked in an ivory tower, and the hosed-down driveway at the Bachelor mansion dried up. But then, as the country began to relax for literally no good reason, so did the Bachelorette production team. The show rented out an entire resort, got all the cast and staff to quarantine, and then allowed the show to proceed filming as normal. Except it’s not normal at all - the entire season will take place at this resort? Instead of over-the-top dates and trips around the globe, this season will, I suppose, feature dips in the pool and trips to the minibar? Stay tuned to see how this all pans out.

I, for one, am very excited for this season even if it does all take place next to a continental breakfast buffet. I’ll start by disclosing that I count myself as one of the world’s two Clare Crawley stans (the other one is my friend Micah) and I have, personally, been waiting for this moment since 2014. Juan Pablo’s season was the first season of this show I ever watched (!) and I have been in love with Clare since she pointed her finger at that man and told him he could rot in hell. I have watched her hop from The Bachelor to Bachelor in Paradise to Bachelor in Paradise Season 2 to The Bachelor: Winter Games (a sleeper hit.) Clare is beautiful and fun and just the right amount of unhinged to make incredible TV. She gloats when she’s up and she cries when she’s down and she is, I believe, one of very, very few people on earth who really believes that this franchise is a great way to meet a life partner. This is exactly what we should want to see. I also love that Clare is 39! This is what the show should be about: someone who is clearly attractive and successful but, for whatever reason, has been unlucky in love and is serious about finding someone to settle down with. I appreciate that they’ve raised the median age of the men cast on this season. I do not need to see any more sexy 23-year-olds crying about being “ready for marriage.” I also do not need to hear your opinions about how Clare is “crazy” or “an old hag” or how “no one wants to marry her!” It’s sexist and ageist and not cute. Hop on board the Clare train, choo choo!

Ready or not, here is Clare, boobs akimbo in a sparkly column gown, waiting to meet her mate. Let’s dive right in.

30. JAY

Jay walks out of the limo wearing a straitjacket in this, the Year of Our Lord 2020. He says that he’s been “going a little crazy ;)” in quarantine. It’s pretty rare that The Bachelor franchise is able to shock me with its tone-deafness anymore but congratulations, Jay! You did it! :)

29. ZACH J.

Zach J., who is 37 years old - several years older than Christ was when he was famously crucified - kneels in front of Clare and pretends to propose with a ring box that makes a farting sound.

28. AJ

AJ’s entrance was what we in ~the biz~ call a Perfect Scene, so I’m just going to transcribe it for you verbatim using my new masters-level screenplay formatting skills:

AJ: All my friends tell me I give terrible first impressions.

CLARE: What??

AJ: So, let’s hope I prove them wrong tonight.

CLARE: (nervous laughter) Okay!

AJ: Um. You have green eyes.

CLARE: I do. What did you think they were? OW, you’re -

AJ: Only two percent of the population has green eyes!

CLARE: Really?

AJ: Yeah.

CLARE: Oh.

AJ walks away without another word.

AJ (VOICEOVER): The moment I held Clare’s hands was, like, the first time I’ve touched a woman in months. It felt amazing. Her hands were so soft.

Clare shakes her hands out, wincing.

CLARE: Ouch. He squeezed my hands so hard. My rings literally dug in - it looks like a Jack Russell took a bite out of [my finger].

END SCENE

27. ED

Ed arrives in one of those giant inflatable hamster balls and makes some half-baked joke about Clare’s season being in a bubble. I don’t have claustrophobia but like, I do when I look at those things. Horrifying.

26. JOE

Joe is an anesthesiologist who appears with a child’s toy stethoscope and tells Clare that he’s going to save her life - her love life! 4/10.

25. CHASEN

Chasen (WHY ARE THERE SO MANY MEN NAMED CHASEN IN THIS FRANCHISE? I REFUSE TO ACCEPT THAT THIS IS A LEGAL NAME) arrives wearing a full suit of armor even though he is, frankly, too hot to need a gimmick. He takes the armor off (loud, clunky, definitely cut down for time) and tells Clare that he’s prepared to lay his armor down and be vulnerable. Clare smiles wide and says “I love it.” This was actually the exact moment in the episode where I turned to my friend and said “Clare is a good fucking sport.”

24. BENNETT

Bennett arrives in a Rolls Royce that is obviously not his, wearing the classic combination of a tux and a winter scarf (this episode taped in July.) Bennett is a “Wealth Management Consultant” from New York who wEnT tO HaRVaRd which tells me pretty much everything I need to know about him. I know it’s a good school and all but I’m just going to say what everyone here is thinking: I have never met a man who went to Harvard that I wanted to date.

23. RILEY

Riley is an attorney and he makes a joke about finding Clare guilty of looking hot, which at this point is sort of par for the course for lawyers on this show, but the way he delivers the joke… does not land. Here’s a transcript: “My name is Riley. Christian. And… as an attorney, it is my job to help the jury… find the verdict. And, in your case... you’d be found guilty as charged of looking beautiful… in this dress.” It’s not... amazing.

22. YOSEF

Yosef brings Clare a salad plate of Moon Pies and is like “I brought you something from Mobile” - at least, I think he says “Mobile,” because he’s from Alabama and I know that that’s a town in Alabama not because I am a geography whiz but because of a Doug Burr song that was on Gossip Girl. Don’t they sell Moon Pies like… everywhere? I’ve definitely seen them at some Gristedes before. Wikipedia says they are “an American confection, popular across much of the United States,” which, same. What an odd choice?? What if I showed up on this show and was like “Hey Bachelor, here’s one of my favorite local treats… they’re called Oreos ;)” Worth trying, I suppose.

21. PAGE

Page’s name is PAGE, half of his shirt is unbuttoned, and he looks like a townie Sim.

20. JASON

Jason pops out of the limo wearing a fake baby bump as an homage to Clare’s limo exit on Juan Pablos’ season and, surprise! The joke does not translate nearly as well on a cis man! It looks like he is just wearing a fake beer belly. Jason compares dating on a reality show to pregnancy and childbirth and oh boy! I have admittedly never given birth and yet I have a hunch that it is not the same thing at all!

19. TYLER C.

We can’t have two Tyler C’s on back-to-back seasons of The Bachelorette. I don’t know what part of your brain keeps track of names but whatever it is, mine can’t take it. Tyler C. #2 pulls up in a station wagon and says that he’s packed up his entire life and put it in a station wagon… to be on the show? But also that he wants to clean the station wagon out and fill it with kids and dogs? It makes little sense. Tyler C. is also incredibly sweaty.

18. TYLER S.

I can only describe Tyler S. and his limo exit as “profoundly forgettable.”

17. BLAKE MONAR

So, not only do we have two Tylers, two Jordans, three Zac/hs, a Brendan and a Brandon, but we have TWO BLAKES? And not just two Blakes: TWO BLAKE M’S!!! Both Blake M’s have to go by their full names and this I cannot abide. We have no business knowing these people’s last names. Why is every white man on earth named Blake? Why are there so many of you??? Stop!!!!!!

16. CHRIS

Chris is a 27-year-old from Utah who is wearing a floral tie that looks like it was found on the cutting room floor of the Shabby Chic design center. He tells Clare that “they (who????) never said it would be easy, only that it would be worth it.” “Ain’t that the truth,” she whispers in response. I think he and Clare will probably not get married. But what do I know!

15. DEMAR

Demar has a parachute attached to his back, but because we do not see his actual entrance, I am left with a million questions. Did he… jump off a plane? Surely not. Did he come out of the limo dragging a parachute behind him? Did he have to get golf-carted in by a PA because the parachute wouldn’t fit in the limo? Roll tape!!

14. ROBBY

Robby, who is barely shown, is an investment broker from Tampa. You could show me a picture of Robby and tell me that he is any man on earth and I would believe you.

13. JEREMY

Jeremy is a 40-year-old banker from D.C. who promises to “make [Clare] laugh as much as possible” with a completely straight face.

12. KENNY

Kenny wears a t-shirt with Clare’s dogs screen-printed onto it, which is a bananas thing to do, but Clare responds by running her hands up and down his abs and going “It’s just because I want to pet my dogs,” so I guess these two can be bananas together! Okay wait - I’m sorry - hang on. I just got around to reading the little job title underneath Kenny’s name. BOY BAND MANAGER??????

11. BRENDAN

Brendan (not to be confused with Brandon) is allegedly 30 years old but looks like he’s about 17. He is wearing a very earnest yellow bowtie. Am I at the 2011 prom??

10. BRANDON

Brandon (not to be confused with Brendan) is… extremely handsome? He looks vaguely Greek, like he could have been an extra in Mamma Mia. He says nothing of importance.

9. EAZY

Eazy jumps through a banner that reads “YOUR FUTURE HUSBAND” while wearing a salmon-pink three-piece suit. Choices were made!

8. GARIN

Only a brief moment of Garin’s limo exit is even shown but I like that he’s a journalism professor! We love an employed prospective husband!

7. MIKE

Mike brings Clare a pair of bedazzled flip-flops in case her feet get tired in her heels, which is a well-intentioned but poorly-executed idea. The flip-flops in question are - well, first of all, they’re flip-flops - but they’re flat and thin with no arch support or padding, and they’re covered in dumb jewels! This is not a solution to uncomfortable footwear, it’s just a different type of uncomfortable footwear! Women! Don’t! Want! Flip-flops! We! Want! Sneakers! Sneakers for everybody!

6. ZAC C.

Zac C., one of three flavors of Zac/h tonight, is very cute, to me, Grace Barry, personally. He looks a lot like my high school crush (or, if I’m being more precise, one of my many many unreciprocated high school crushes). I love a long jaw. He gives Clare a very earnest speech about how he’s glad they both didn’t settle (yawn) and comments on how nice it is to hug someone. It is nice to hug someone! Zac C. is correct! This is sort of the platonic ideal of limo exits: bit boring, mostly nice.

5. BEN

Ben is the first guy out of the limo, which is fitting because he looks like a Bachelor contestant created by AI. He asks Clare if she would like to take a deep breath together, which of course she would, thank you very much! Clare is definitely a “deep breaths and yoga cured my anxiety” kinda gal and quite frankly, more power to her. Clare and Ben celebrate their negative COVID tests by huffing and puffing all over each other and honestly? I’m a little jealous! It’s been a long time since somebody breathed on me!

4. JORDAN M.

TALL?? Jordan M. is so tall?? He is so so tall. At first, I can’t tell if he is actually that tall or if it’s perhaps an optical illusion caused by his incredibly short pants. Why! Why are his pants so short! They look like formal capris. But then Jordan M. invites Clare to put her hand on his chest, and to do so, she has to fully lift her hand above her head. Make that motion right now and imagine how tall that person would have to be. INSANE! Jordan M. says “I know it’s hot out here, I know you’re hot, I know I’m hot, it’s burning up.” Clare literally goes “Yes!” in the horniest voice I’ve ever heard and then Jordan M. continues: “So just in case you’re thirsty, I’m a tall drink of water.” Clare seems genuinely disappointed that he didn’t give her an actual glass of water. Jordan M. bends over absolutely in half to give her a hug goodbye. The whole interaction is High Camp from start to finish. 10/10.

3. BLAKE MOYNES

Is Blake M(oynes) (ugh) my dream dude? He looks like the Brawny man and he’s wearing a FOREST GREEN SUIT and he’s a WILDLIFE MANAGER! What does that even mean? I don’t know, but I’m picturing him nursing an injured bear cub back to health. Blake M(oynes) (ugh) says he’s been waiting four months to tell Clare “something,” but he isn’t going to tell her until later. I pulled this shit all the time when I was like twelve years old (he’s 31). It’s a remarkably effective little mind game. You gotta keep the people guessing!!

2. IVAN

Ivan is very darling and he’s an aeronautical engineer? Why is he on this show? He introduces himself to Clare by greeting her in his mother’s native Tagalog. Cute!! It’s cute! Ivan is cute! Maganda ka, Ivan!!

1. DALE

Come the hell on. Are you kidding me? Is this a sick joke? Everything about this limo exit is perfect, and by that I mean the whole thing is completely deranged. First off: Dale is the hottest person I have possibly ever seen. His tiny elf ears only add to the appeal! When he steps out of the limo, Clare lights up in a way I have never witnessed in all my years of watching this living Barbie museum we call a television show. (An aside: one of my favorite things about Clare is that she has no poker face.) Dale gives Clare a hug and says some generic things and walks away and Clare begins to evaporate into sparkly dust. She hyperventilates, she laughs to herself, she walks in a weird little circle. She whispers “I knew it,” apropos of nothing. She says, out loud, to no one in particular: “I definitely think I just met my husband.” WHAT? This is a crazy thing to say, not only because she just met the man (people believe in love at first sight, whatever, it’s fine) but because she says it ON CAMERA? To be aired NATIONALLY on this show where she is ostensibly supposed to be searching for her husband? What are we supposed to DO the rest of the season, Clare? Huh?? Chris Harrison comes over to give her a cold towel and confirm what he’s just heard on his little earpiece. I love every second of it. The thing about this show is that the drama is fun, the outfits are fun, laughing at it is fun, but you know what’s also fun? The romance! Laugh all you want, I don’t care, I mean that unironically. I think the last few seasons have been seriously lacking in the Earnest Romance department (actually, I think this can all be traced back to the departure of former Executive Producer Elan Gale - essay to follow) and this feels like a welcome return. I don’t care if the love on this show is fake, I don’t care if the couples break up six months later - I want to be taken on a wild ride, damn it. Clare giggling over a man she’s just met and declaring her intent to wed him is exactly what I needed to see. I love this dumb dumb show and I love Clare Crawley!!!

See you next Tuesday! (Tomorrow. It’s tomorrow.)