This week on The Bachelor, Colton and his personal cheerleading squad head to Denver, where I’d like to emphasize that Colton isn’t actually from. He’s from suburban Illinois but I can understand why he’d want to lie about that. Kirpa says a full sentence for the first time all season. Cassie and Caelynn wonder why all the other girls think they’re so mean just ‘cause they won’t let anyone sit on the steps of the Met with them. Heather gets kicked out of Biola for kissing a boy.

What was up with all of those ominous warnings from eliminated girls? Is someone finally going to get punched on this show? Will Caelynn achieve her dream of being crowned Miss Bachelorette 2019? Where can I find an archive of photos of all these girls before their nose jobs? Who is this “Katie” everyone keeps referring to?

Hold onto your hats and let’s get sta wait WHY IS BEN HIGGINS HERE??

8. KIRPA

I hate to put Kirpa at the caboose because I happen to really like her, but she got clobbered this week. Kirpa, obviously realizing that Colton doesn’t even know her name, decides she should make it her mission to get to the bottom of the “here for the wrong reasons” she said-she said debacle. I can’t even begin to summarize the intricacies of who told whom what about whom, but I believe that, as in most cases, the truth lies somewhere in the middle. Do I think that Caelynn and Cassie are, perhaps, more interested in becoming the Bachelorette and enjoying those sweet Instagram dollars than marrying the Boss Baby and have had conversations to that effect? I really do, but I also can’t understand how anyone who goes on this show isn’t thinking about that possibility. Do I think that the sheer number of women who have expressed concern about those two women means there’s some fire near that smoke? I do, but I also think it’s annoying that these women keep making vaguely threatening departure statements without NAMING NAMES! Do I think Kirpa and Tayshia are evil, lying bridge trolls who just want to make the pretty girls suffer? I don’t! However, after this week’s episode, both Kirpa’s and Tayshia’s social media were filled with downright disgusting comments, calling them liars, bitches and a whole variety hour of slurs. Cassie and Caelynn’s were full of praise and support. I wonder why that could be? I also wonder why Rachel Lindsay hasn’t yet hit a million Instagram followers when all other recent bachelorettes have shot past two million. I really can’t put my finger on it. Anyway, Kirpa really handles herself well. She talks about the other girls to Colton when asked, not otherwise. She’s composed and concise when addressing Cassie. I honestly believe that she thought she was doing the right thing. I don’t think she even had so much as a crush on Colton, but I think she was being more of a pal to him than anyone else was. I’ll miss Kirpa’s cucumber mentality and soothing tone of voice. Stop writing mean comments on her Instagram, it’s fucking gross.

7. COLTON

What the HELL is up with these Colton selfie confessional videos?? They are so strange and funny. I like to believe that they weren’t even filmed by the show, that Colton woke up every morning and was like “Welp, better make sure to get some fresh content for my fans.” I hate them but I love them. Anyway, my brief honeymoon disillusionment with Colton has faded faster than Kirpa’s highlights. I’m back to thinking he’s a full-time scammer. It’s pretty fucking rich of him to go on and on about people wanting to go on the show to promote their brand and possibly become the lead when he’s clearly been jonesing to get famous since he got turned down for the part of Troy Bolton. This is the same guy who asked out Aly Raisman at the height of her gold-medal buzz on a very public social media stage when he could have easily gotten a setup through mutual friends. This is the same guy who tried to date Tia when he still thought she was going to become the Bachelorette, then dumped her rather than give up his chance to be on the show. Colton went on Becca’s season (and subsequently tried to boost his profile on Bachelor in Paradise where he - again - got with Tia for the ratings and then left her hanging - again) to become the Bachelor. Colton was obviously never that invested in marrying Becca. Colton’s also, not for nothing, a huge fucking tattletale! He is a little Alison DiLaurentis! It’s so unkind of him to ask women directly for their input, then turn right around to his favorites and go “well, so-and-so said you said this.” It creates tension where there doesn’t actually need to be any. He comes across as very untrustworthy and immature. He’s ignored what, like, ten warnings at this point? We get it: Colton wants to have sex with a leggy blonde. I feel like it’s not being emphasized enough that this is a person who has never been in a long-term monogamous adult relationship of any kind. He can’t get married at the end of this! He and all these dumbos keep talking about how they can “picture” marriage and “picture” kids with whomever and all this junk and I’m finding myself just gobsmacked by all of it. It’s truly not hard to picture marriage when what you’re picturing is a wedding. It’s easy to picture someone smiling at you as they walk down the aisle, or dancing around the kitchen with your giggling baby, or sitting with you on your porch swing while your grandkids play on the lawn. I picture all of this with every second guy I see on the subway. But it’s like, that’s not what marriage is. When you marry someone you have to be with them every day, literally without exception, until you die. That’s the rules. Like, imagine Colton and Caelynn in their sixties after their kids have moved out and they’re in debt because none of their dumb kids could get football scholarships and they’re sitting at the breakfast table bickering about whether to take out a second mortgage. Why do I get the sense that that’s not what these kids are picturing when they say they “can totally see a future together?” I know that this has always been the problem with this show: no one is actually ready for the incredible seriousness of a lifetime commitment after a few weeks of dating 30 people. But this show is usually sparkly enough that I’m able to ignore this fact, whereas Colton brings it to the forefront and keeps shouting it in my ear. I hate Colton for ruining this show for me!!

6. HEATHER

I don’t even have the energy to talk about Heather. Kissed it and quit it. Get yours, girl.

5. TAYSHIA

I feel bad for Tayshia, honestly. Yes, her breathy voice kinda gives me the wiggles but I think she’s smart and cheerful and generally a good egg. Before the season even aired there was some humming out there about her recent ex with whom she broke up right before coming on the show (of note: he even admits they never defined their relationship!) Why, then, were there multiple articles published this Monday about it when that information’s been out there for months? My tinfoil beret conspiracy is that there was a press push by ABC to make her look less credible going into Monday’s episode. I can’t prove it but it just adds up! Anyway, Tayshia gets taken on a date and immediately grilled by Colton about who she thinks the snakes in the house are. The reason I feel bad for her is because I think it was made pretty clear during this conversation that Colton isn’t planning on picking her. He wanted information and then he couldn’t hide his disappointment when he found out that his favorites might not be into him. I can’t imagine his reaction would have been the same had Tayshia told him that, say, Heather the kissing virgin wasn’t there for the right reasons. Tayshia then has to put on an UNDERWOOD football jersey and make out with Colton while she’s… dressed up as him? It’s, frankly, the most turned on I’ve ever seen Colton. Poor Tayshia.

4. CAELYNN

Caelynn really sends spooky shivers up my spine and I’m not sure there’s a concrete reason why. Is it because she used to do pageants and I’ve NEVER understood what a pageant actually entails? Is it because her name reads like it was made up by a bot? Is it because she looks exactly like what happened when I tried to make Jessa Duggar in The Sims 4? I don’t know, but I don’t like it. Caelynn just comes across as so incredibly false to me, as much as I respect her bravery and eloquence in sharing her story with Colton a few weeks ago. I think she did a really incredible thing by talking about something that’s not often given the conversations it deserves on such a large platform. I also think she seems like a mean girl, and I think the two things can and should be treated as separate. For someone who claims to be all gung-ho to become Mrs. Underwood, Caelynn sure isn’t doing a great job of getting her actions to match her words. Observe Caelynn’s behavior when Colton “confronts” her, for example. When he implicates her as someone who’s not ready to get engaged, she gets, understandably, upset and defensive and shakes her head “no” a lot. When he implicates her as someone who just wants to be the Bachelorette, her eyes LIGHT UP! Watch the clip! I truly believe she misheard him and thought he meant that producers were talking about giving her the role. She literally goes “Who, me?!” and then keeps nodding her head even as she denies it. I’ve never seen her so excited! Caelynn might be Miss North Carolina but she’s no Sandra Bullock. I don’t believe for a second that this girl wants to marry Colton (and I don’t judge her for that, frankly). Her response to Tayshia’s rumor-spreading isn’t “Wait, that isn’t true, and I’m upset and angry because this might hurt my relationship with the man that I love.” It’s actually “Dude, I better get a fucking rose or I will call that stupid bitch out.” That’s a direct quote. I don’t care if Caelynn thinks she’s mature enough for marriage, she’s not mature in general. Also, what is up with all of these girls saying over and over “I’m ready for marriage! I know that I’m ready for marriage!” You become ready for marriage when you meet the person you want to marry. There’s not like, a test. You don’t suddenly become “ready for marriage” because you turn 24 or you open a savings account or you buy a KitchenAid stand mixer. The most damning evidence against Caelynn, however, is not her bad acting, nor is it her stand mixer, nor is it her mane of Duggar hair. It’s the very weird fact that she shows up on the group date to tell Colton to keep Cassie around despite everyone’s concerns. Why, if getting engaged to Colton was your sincere goal, would you want to encourage him to keep around arguably the only girl left who’s a real threat to you? Earnest friendship, maybe? A lukewarm feminist spirit? I don’t know, but I do think that Caelynn is someone who likes to win, and we all know that the real winner of this show doesn’t end up with the guy. She ends up with her own show.

3. HANNAH G.

It is profoundly shocking to me that the 23-year-old whose official profession is being an Instagram star ISN’T at the center of the here-for-the-wrong reasons storm. Hannah G. is doing a bang-up job of staying out of trouble. The secret? Just stay silent, blinking your big blue eyes like an American Girl doll. She’s such a Kirsten.

2. HANNAH B.

Imagine finding out you’re being surprised with a visit to your prospective husband’s parents while wearing a crop top. Crazy. Hannah B. really takes it in stride. People should know by now that if you’re introduced to the lead’s parents before the final week, you’re not winning the show. It’s like every season there’s an episode where the lead takes someone they’re not sure about to meet their parents just to get confirmation from an outside source that they’re not hot enough to keep around. Hannah B. is eliminated in the most spectacularly bizarre evening gown I’ve ever seen on this show, and I’m actually quite sad about it. She’s perhaps the only person whom I actually believe could get engaged to Colton and truly think she’s won a prize. She gives a lovely exit speech and comes across as very sincere! Do I love Hannah B. now? I still don’t think she’s the sharpest ball in the pit but at least she seems kind. I’ll miss her. Roll Tide!

1. CASSIE

Like her or not, Cassie is powerful. Colton is seemingly willing to ignore any warning or confession that paints her in a negative light because he’s falling in love with her and/or wants to have sex with her. Probably mostly the latter. Blonde people love to date each other and I’ve been saying this for years. Think about your blonde friends. Think about who they’ve dated. Right? Anyway, I must say that for someone who’s studying to become a speech pathologist, Cassie has some very weird speaking patterns. She speaks in really short, strange sentences and does that annoying thing when arguing where she just repeats the question back like a statement and doesn’t actually make a point. I don’t know that I’d necessarily want her to be the person helping my kid out with their rhotacism, but I suppose that is neither here nor there. I think Cassie likes Colton just fine; I don’t get the sense that she’s crawling over the dead bodies of the women she’s taken down in her ruthless mission to become his wife. This is my problem with this season in general: I don’t see any real romantic connection between Colton and any of the girls, including Cassie, who’s definitely a frontrunner. Like, obviously, The Bachelor isn’t real life and it makes a mockery of love and badadadah. I get it. But every season there’s at least one relationship that’s buyable. I believed that Garrett had feelings for Becca. I believed that Lauren B(oring) had feelings for Arie. I believed that both Lauren and Jojo had feelings for human software update Ben Higgins. I don’t believe that Cassie (or Caelynn, or Hannah G.) have actual, real, can’t-live-without-you feelings for Colton. Or vice versa! I’m sure Cassie’s a nice girl, but I don’t believe that someone who has been on two reality shows before the age of 24 is earnestly on TV to get married, sorry. This season is so boring.

See you in your home town!